The imminent closure of the McDonald’s in Valletta due to a legal dispute has left shoppers scrambling to find a new public toilet in which to relieve themselves for free.
Bis-Serjetà spoke to several people in Republic Street, all of whom consider the McDonald’s toilets to be a vital part of the capital’s cultural identity.
“I think it’s awful. Now I’ll have to go all the way to Sliema or Birkirkara if I want to enjoy a quick visit to a decent men’s room while avoiding eye contact with the staff, lest they read my mind and stop me,” complained 60 year old John Camilleri.
“What’s great about McDonald’s is that whether you’re in Valletta or Taipei, the toilet experience is exactly the same. That sense of familiarity when your buttocks touch the cold plastic seat is very reassuring in an otherwise foreign land,” said 41 year old shop assistant Mary Pisani.
University student David Bonnici scoffed at the idea of going to the Burger King toilet. “It’s just not the same. The McDonald’s toilet visit is a unique sensory experience that can’t be replicated anywhere else. Do I look like a labourer?”
27 year old lawyer Matthew Brincat noted that not everyone treated the McDonald’s toilets with the reverence they deserved.
“Sometimes you’d get people going in just to have a burger, without going to the bathroom, which I think is very disrespectful because those burgers are only meant for toilet patrons.”
Long-time customer Mario Gauci claimed the closure was yet another example of the widening gap between rich and poor.
“Once again greedy businesses are impinging on public space. The McDonald’s toilet will probably be replaced by some fancy la-di-dah lavatory with velvet-cushioned seats and soothing water jets. Well excuse me for wanting a simple, good old-fashioned piss.”
By Karl Stennienibarra
The Maltese Justice System has won several comedy awards at the International Comedy Festival in Melbourne, after finally being recognised for the hilarious piece of entertainment it is.
Former Justice Minister Carm Mifsud Bonnici's official government photo
The System walked away with four awards in all, including Best Sketch for the recent ‘Angry Japanese Man Whose Sushi Restaurant Got Robbed’ sketch.
“Oh harro prease. My money got a-storen and I want justice-u. Hoh hi hoh hi hoh I no speakey Martese. Me so sad! Reave me arone! ” was just one of the lines which earned the sketch the top accolade.
Collecting the awards on behalf of The Justice System was Justice Minister Chris Said.
“Above all, I’d like to thank my predecessor Carm Mifsud Bonnici, whose dedication to farce allowed The System to become the pinnacle of absurdity it is today. Here’s hoping he handles the forthcoming wave of immigration with the same ridiculous vigour.
“I’d also like to pay tribute to our award-winning slapstick team, also known as the Police Force. That ‘mistake in the charge sheet’ gag never gets old.
“Whoops we let a paedophile priest walk free!” Hahaha, gets me every time, as does the ‘whoops I accidentally assaulted a civilian again’ routine.”
The System also won an award for Best Opening Credits, in which a plaintiff is repeatedly summoned to court, only to have his case deferred every time, followed by sad trombone music.
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By Karl Stennienibarra
The environmental ambassador-hedgehog Xummiemu was arrested this evening after being involved in a drunken punch-up in a bar in Qormi.
The incident took place at the Qormi Hedgehog Band Club, where Xummiemu regularly goes to discuss hedgohog politics and drink neat J&B from a biodegradable cup.
The spiny mammal, who recently had an extensive makeover, allegedly arrived at the bar in his Toyota Celica, sporting a new hairstyle and wearing his new green superhero costume and aviator sunglasses.
According to an eyewitness, Xummiemu became angry when another hedgehog said he looked like a homosexual.
The mascot is said to have shouted, “Pufta missierek, f’għoxx il-qabar ta’ familtek,” to which the other hedgehog replied “Nirrah tkun qed taqsam it-triq bil-lejl u jgħaffġek trakk.”
Xummiemu also called the other animal’s girlfriend a hedgewhore (‘qaħbfuda’).
The two hedgehogs then charged at each other. While the other hedgehogs at the bar rolled up into balls, police intervened to separate the two. As a result they suffered several lacerations to the face.
Xummiemu, who works part-time at Cut ‘n’ Blow hair salon, has had a difficult life.
At primary school he was constantly picked on for going around picking up people’s rubbish while murmuring “Żomm nadif, żomm nadif, żomm nadif.”
At secondary school he attempted to change his image but was mercilessly teased for “looking like a shitty cross between Sonic the Hedgehog and Goku from Dragonball Z.”
He then suffered a great personal tragedy, when his best friend Żażu died of a heroin overdose.
Xummiemu was granted bail against a personal guarentee of €5000, paid for with money from the EU’s Regional Development fund.
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By Karl Stennienibarra
Renzo Piano has put forward the idea of constructing an open-air tunnel to connect Malta and Gozo.
A tunnel between the two islands is seen as an ideal way to shorten the treacherous ferry journey which Gozitans undertake every day.
Every year hundreds of Gozitans perish during the 20 minute crossing.
Whereas conventional tunnels usually have a cylindrical structure, Piano’s tunnel would resemble a cross section of a tunnel, with the inside facing upwards.
“The project would radically redefine the way you drive through a tunnel,” Piano told Bis-Serjeta.
“An open air tunnel would also blend in better with the surrounding environment. Of course, people who want to cross will have to buy cars that can transform into submarines, which haven’t been invented yet, but we can’t remain stuck in the past.” the architect said.
The roofless tunnel would also have the advantage of costing 50% less than a normal tunnel.
It is nevertheless not the cheapest proposal to be mooted. Another option would be to build only half a bridge, with a gigantic sign displaying the number of employment opportunities currently available being placed on the shore at Cirkewwa.
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Hundreds of brave Gozitans lie at the bottom of this perilous channel
By Karl Stennienibarra
The Prime Minister has pleaded with people to stop posting “boooriiiiing” personal stories on Mychoice.pn, just one day after the Nationalist Party launched the site to gather people’s opinions and personal information.
“When we said we wanted to hear people’s thoughts, aspirations and stories, we didn’t think they’d take us so literally.
“You’re struggling to keep your business afloat because of rising energy prices? Yaaaawn. That is so not our fault anyway.”
“And could all these Catholics accusing us of abandoning our Christian roots to grab liberal votes just bugger off? Get with the program already. We’re the ‘everything be cool’ party now.”
“Then again we have been receiving some really constructive comments from Timesofmalta.com commentators, oops, I mean bloggers. Also, thanks to all the people who complimented me on my navy blue jumper that I wore yesterday.”
Dr Gonzi said that while all of the comments would be printed out and read, an alarm would be triggered if a moderator uttered the code word ‘bla bla bla bla’, which indicated that s/he was in ’bored out of my fucking skull’ mode.
At this stage, these comments would be sent to a large consultation shredder, and after being processed would be used to line the cages of the Dar Centrali hamsters who staff the Nazzjon, Net and Mument newsrooms.
The website launch event itself at Salini park in Qawra was a huge success. Scores of smiling party youths smiled for smiley photographs. According to statistics released by the PN, smiling has increased by 200% over the past four years, a rise which includes both big toothy grins as well as visibly-forced fake smiles.
More smiling, and a massage
During the event Dr Gonzi, or ‘Nannu Lawrence’ as the captivated youths called him, told tales of heroic deeds and glorious battles.
The website features images of several of the Nationalist Party’s accomplishments, such as making the sky bluer and the grass greener through various schemes and initiatives.
Another of the party’s achievements over the past few years has been the setting up of so-called ‘families’, a concept which previously did not exist in Malta.
The website can also be used by visitors to check if they are on the electoral register, while also reminding people of the party’s hipster credentials with its washed out photos.
Faced with accusations that the website is just one big data-gathering ploy, Dr Gonzi replied, “The Nationalist Party is your BFF, and you wouldn’t mind if your BFF sent you an email every now and then, or called you up to see how you’re doing and to see if you’ve voted or not, right?” before making a heart with his thumbs and index fingers.
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By Karl Stennienibarra
A famous half man, half strawberry from Mġarr has passed away at the ripe old age of 86, after living what he himself called “a fruitful life.”
Ġamri Frawlu’s life was a story of both rejection and success, tragedy and acceptance.
Until recently, the cause of Ġamri’s mutation was a mystery even to himself, but declassified documents revealed that during World War II, Mġarr was used by the British as a testing ground for top secret fruit and veg-based weaponry.
It is believed Ġamri was working in his fields when a nearby silo containing radioactive strawberry jelly exploded, showering him in debris.
When he awoke a week later, he found that the top half of his body had mutated into the juicy red fruit.
Deformed, Ġamri was disowned by his family, including his cousin/fiancée, and shunned by the rest of the village, which led him to hide away in one of the bell towers of Mġarr’s church.
His elusiveness meant that myths replaced facts among younger Mġarrin. Some said that at night he rode a giant rabbit through the streets, hypnotising children out of their beds and enslaving them in his jam factory under Ta’ Ħaġrat temples.
Those who lived near the church say they could often hear him playing his harmonica and singing sad songs like My Woman Is A Tart, Don’t Trifle With My Love, and Strawberry Fields Forever. The latter would later lead to a legal battle with The Beatles.
Ġamri remained banished until 1988, the year of the Great Strawberry Shortage.
Desperate to end the famine, the villagers decided to swallow their pride and ask Ġamri l-Frawlu for advice.
As the mayor climbed up the bell tower and entered Ġamri’s living quarters, he saw huge piles of succulent strawberries lying everywhere.
Noticing the mayor’s look of confusion, Ġamri said, “Oh that? It’s just my shit.”
“I’ve got a new batch coming through right now if you’d like to partake,” the mutant continued as he squatted down.
Since then, thousands of Maltese and tourists alike have flocked to Mġarr every April to feast on Gamri’s bountiful excrement.
Sadly, Mġarr will now have to look for a new source of income. Ġamri died peacefully in his sleep early this morning, after producing his last faecal treats in preparation for today’s Strawberry Festival.
His body has been made into a commemorative sorbet.
“Not only was he a great man, but it turns out he’s absolutely bloody delicious,” said agriculture minister George Pullicino.
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By Karl Stennienibarra
A parking attendant who complained about a horse shelter being built on the car park he manages has denied that he put the severed head of a horse in the bed of Transport Malta’s CEO.
The horse shelter was meant to be constructed in Marsamxetto Street, but attendant Salvatore ‘Sal’ Maranzano then managed to obtain a temporary warrant to halt construction.
Transport Malta CEO Jack Woltz described how he made the gruesome discovery.
“As I woke up bleary eyed, I thought to myself ‘What is Dolores Cristina doing in my bed? It isn’t Wednesday…’”
“After I stopped screaming I found a note with ‘Bonġu sinjur, xi haga għall-parker?’ and my car’s registration number scrawled on it.”
Parking attempts earn a living by providing the service of making sure no unfortunate accidents happen to one’s car while they are away.
“The work of a parker is highly important. You never know who might slash your tires or key your bonnet. I don’t know nothin’ bout no horse! See this yellow lanyard? This means I’m with the Karozza Nostra” Mr Maranzano told BS.
“50c? I help you reverse, give you a comment, and that’s all I get? Well I can’t guarantee protection for that.”
All parking areas in Malta are controlled by the so-called Five Parking Families, or Il-Ħames Par-kinks in Maltese.
All five families emigrated to Malta from the small parking village of Castellammare del Volkswagen Golf in Sicily.
Only last year the Maranzanos, who also control the car park near the Excelsior hotel, fought a vicious turf war with the Cordonnola family, whose territory covers the Ġnejna, Għajn Tuffieħa and Golden Bay car parks, over control of the Imdina ditch car park.
They engaged in several pitched battles in front of St Paul’s Cathedral, but in order to avoid disturbing the peace of the Silent City, they conducted the entire war by slapping each other in the face.
The Par-Kinks’ activity is not limited to parking spaces. It is rumoured they have also repeatedly tried to get wannabe swing crooner J. Anvil (real name Francesco ‘Lucky’ Lucchese), into the Eurovision by bribing voters with offers of exclusive parking rights in Sliema.
By Karl Stennienibarra
Yana Mintoff Bland, the daughter of Dom Mintoff, has hijacked Facebook’s bid to buy the photo sharing program Instagram, in an attempt to recapture the nostalgic feel of Labour’s glory days.
Instagram allows hipsters to take photos and apply filters which make the pictures look like they were taken in the 70s and 80s.
Users also become instant artists, or Instatards, when they use the program.
Facebook had announced that they had bought Instagram for $1 billion, but Dr Mintoff came in with a last minute bid of $1 billion and one cent.
“I love it,” Dr Mintoff said of the newly-renamed Blandagram. “I’ve already been to take a photo of the Allied Newspapers building. Apparently something important happened there in the 80s.”
“I’ve even done one of those sexy duck-face shots in the mirror, and with the filter I look uncannily like my dad,” she said.
Dr Mintoff says she intends to use Instagram’s technology to build a gigantic filter over Malta so that everything looks the way it did 40 years ago.
One person who will be especially happy to hear the news is film maker Pierre Ellul, since Dr Mintoff now cannot afford to sue him for making the film Dear Dom.
Asked what her father thinks of the program, Dr Mintoff said, “He’s very up to date with events. He regularly updates his Hi5 profile on his typewriter.”
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By Karl Stennienibarra
The Catholic Church in Malta has drastically cut the number of prayers it devotes to sick people, leaving the ill to fend for their own survival.
According to Archbishop Paul Cremona, the cuts are a result of the need to spend prayers elsewhere.
“Over the past year, the great moral crisis that has engulfed Europe for the last few decades, the roots of which can be traced to a Greek reggae/gay bar in Mykonos called Rastafabulous, has finally reached our shores.
“Last year with the divorce referendum we were complacent. We thought God would just sort it out. But this year we’re going to make damn sure civil partnerships for gays don’t become reality in Malta,” the archbishop said.
The cuts mean that the amount of time priests reserve for praying for sick people will be considerably reduced, and Catholics will now be encouraged to subscribe to a Pray As You Go scheme.
A prayer consultant from the Vatican will also help the local Church to come up with a more efficient prayer model. Failing that, the local Church will have to ask for a prayer bailout from its parent company in Rome.
“We need to change the way we look at prayer. Take the Rosary for example. This is a very long, tedious prayer, ill-suited to the fast pace of the modern world. Basically, it’s a dinosaur,” said Fr Ricardo Bransone.
“The way forward involves having a larger number of smaller prayers, bringing about a more streamlined, flexible approach. So instead of rosary beads, all nuns will be given a rosary nose ring, which will count as half a Hail Mary.”
Furthermore, priests have been ordered to pray only for the those with serious, life-threatening illnesses.
“If you only have a cold, or you banged your big toe, please do not go to your parish priest and beg for him to pray for you,” said prayer manager Fr Alex Scicluna.
Critics have suggested that prayer does not work at all, but Fr Alex is swift to dismiss this.
“That is simply not true. Look at Fabrice Muamba, the Bolton Wanderers player whose heart stopped on the pitch two weeks ago. If it hadn’t had been for the thousands of people who prayed for him, he never would have survived, regardless of the stellar medical attention he received.
“Then again, if he had died it would have been because God wanted him in heaven. It’s always win-win for the Big G,” Fr Alex said.
Meanwhile, health minister Joe Cassar has pleaded with people to stop getting sick in order to ease the bed shortage crisis at Mater Dei.
“Why do people insist on getting sick? We really need to put this problem to bed. Of course, it won’t have a pillow, but anyway,” Dr Cassar said.
